Mind Farts : Part of Being an Adult That I am Absolutely not Prepared For
I was scrolling on Reddit a while back –– like the cool kid that I am –– and stumbled upon this thread that was titled : “What part of being an adult were you absolutely not prepared for?”
Of course, being the curious cat that I am, I clicked on it and started reading down the post. Things like; finance, having to deal with loneliness, weight gain, 9 to 5 job, were some of the most voted answers. And there I was, still minding my own business, scrolling down the thread until I saw one commenter who wrote : “Parents getting old.”
And for some reason, after reading that, I just started crying.
I don’t know why, or how, but I just started balling my eyes out after reading those 3 words. Even now, just seeing that sentence again and thinking about it, got me all teary eyed.
To be quite honest, my parents getting older isn’t something that I think about. Maybe once or twice in my entire 20 years of being alive. Whenever I picture my life, ten, twenty or even thirty years from now, my parents are always there. To me, they have become the only part of my life that is steady. Everything in my life is constantly changing from one minute to another, but when it comes to my parents, I know I can always count on them for being there for me.
But those 3 simple words of “parents getting old”, shot fear straight down my spine. I have never thought about it simply because it has never occurred to me that while I am growing up, going out into the world and experiencing new things on my own, they are growing old. They have been such a fixated image in my mind that the idea of one day, when I have something amazing that I would like to share with them and I can’t, jars me.
“The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that ––
a parent’s heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.”
Not to mention, since I am currently studying abroad, it hits me harder as I couldn’t see them as often as I’d liked. The most I would get to see them is either once to twice a year. And something that I have noticed that made me sad, was the fact that when I saw them last, I started noticing some fine wrinkles, and them looking more fragile than before. And at that exact moment, it made me wonder, would they be able to live long enough for me to be able to repay them for all that they have done for me?
Truthfully, I don’t know.
I don’t know, and I am scared of my unknowingness.
Thinking about it right now, made me realize just how selfless of a job parenting is. My parents gave me their whole life, working themselves to the bone so that I would always have enough. So that I would always have more than enough. They always try to provide me with the best, so that I can be better. That I can achieve much much more than they can in this lifetime. They gave me so much, and at the same time, never asking for anything in return.
“I also believe that parents, if they love you, will hold you up safely, above their swirling waters, and sometimes that means you’ll never know what they endured, and you may treat them unkindly, in a way you otherwise wouldn’t.”
The fact that just that just by me reaching success and being happy alone is enough to make them happy, makes me realize how amazing my parents are. How is it possible for someone to love you so much, that they want nothing but success and happiness for you? I can never, in 100 years, imagine me being able to have that much love for someone.
Writing all this out make me realize how strong and solid of a support team I have. In my mind, I have always pictured that they would always be there. For the times where I burn my food and wonder how to clean the pot, for when I ripped my pants and have no idea how to sew it together, even for when there was a cockroach in my apartment and I forced them to stay on the phone with me while I battled to the death to get rid of it.
In my mind, I have always pictured that they would be there for me until the day I’m old and wrinkly with all my teeth gone. But today, after reading that thread on Reddit, made me realize that that is not the case.
There will be a day, no matter how long it is from now, where I’ll have to face the world alone. Without my rock that have always been there for me steadily and unwaveringly. One day, I won’t have my safe haven to turn to whenever I feel tired or down or just simply needed a break. One of these days, I will have to man up and be my own rock. And I don’t know if I’ll ever grow up enough to be that. And thinking about it right now, scares me shitless. It terrifies me more than I’d ever like to admit.
“But she wasn’t around, and that’s the thing when your parents die,
you feel like instead of going in to every fight with backup, you are going into every fight alone.”