Up Close and Personal : What If I Turned Up to Be A Failure?
This is a thought that I’ve been trying to push out of my mind quite a lot as of lately, but for some reason, it just kept coming back. What if I turned out to be a failure? What if I’ll never become the person I’ll be proud of? Maybe my parents should have invested in a house, or a business, instead of me. What if I’ll never live up to my full potential?
What if ?
WHERE THIS ALL BEGIN
I’m currently in my senior year of college, well, I’ll be starting my senior year of college soon. And I think a lot of people can agree with me that the pressure of securing a job, of being a proper adult, is starting to kick in.
Remember all those years ago, when we were fresh out of high school and thought that choosing a major and earning those college admissions seems like the end of the world? Well folks, if that’s your definition of “the end of the world”, you’re in for a wild ride.
WHAT SCHOOL TAUGHT ME SO FAR
You know what, now that I thought about it, university is just another bubble for us kids to go into right after completing 12 years of school. Because as much as we’d like to think that being 18 years of age counts as an adult, they really aren’t. I mean heck, I don’t even feel like an adult. If anything, I feel more like a kid than I ever did before.
Change in Personality
While I was trudging my way through uni-life this past 3 years, I feel like I was stagnating. Like I wasn’t exactly learning or absorbing anything. Class was just that, something that I attend with professors yapping away, repeating a lecture they’ve probably memorized by the letter at this point. Tests are just something that I need to memorize for, not caring if I truly understand the materials or not. My university experience as a whole, has been underwhelming.
But now, looking back and retracing who I was 3 years ago to who I am now, I can actually see the difference. It wasn’t so much so about my classes, but more about me as person, my personality.
In the past, I would be indecisive and I would try to act small or cute to just go with the flow. So that I fit in. But these days, I find myself able to stand for what I believe is right, even if that means standing alone. I stopped being nervous when going to interviews or talking to people way older than me. Why? Because I forced myself to step out of my comfort zone and kept applying for jobs after jobs, events after events. I used to be so nervous before an interview that my hands would go cold an hour leading up to it. But now? Interviews have stopped being a big deal to me.
Change in the Way I Think
When I first started as a freshman, I was determined to get all As in my class. I was so uptight and so focused on getting good grades, that I literally had a fucking breakdown––yes, with the waterworks and difficulty breathing––because I wasn’t accepted into a Korean language class, which I could apply for again the next semester and had no effect to my grade whatsoever.
I mean, come on, I get that I could be an overdramatic whiney little bitch sometimes, but even that’s a little too over the top for me.
I was so afraid of failure that I would apply for something, and then would worry about it for weeks and months to come. And don’t even get me started on waiting to see my reports for the semester. I would literally keep refreshing the school website days before it was supposed to be released. Let me just say, I was crazy about being the “perfect little girl” with her perfect scores, perfect relationship, perfect school-work-life balance. But I can tell you right now, those are such exhausting façade to keep up with.
And then sometime in my second to third year of school, I let go. I stopped worrying so much about having control over everything and forced myself to relax more. I mean, it worked––to a certain extent. I really did learn to let things run its course and let bygones be bygones, but again, just like a recovering addict, I’m not perfect. Sometimes I’ll relapse and jump right back into the mindset that I need to control everything and that everything in my life is on fire and I would end up homeless with no career no one to love me and––you get what I’m saying.
However, the key here is that I’m trying. I might not be good at controlling my own thoughts and sticking with happy thoughts 24/7, but at least I’m trying and that’s all that matters.
It’s Not What You Know, But Who You Know
I’m pretty sure a lot of us have heard this a number of times throughout our lives, but really, having connections can really get you places. Now, of course I’m not saying you have to befriend every single person in your campus. I just wanted to say that, as much as grades are important in college, you also shouldn’t neglect your social life and making new friends. I mean, who knows, those people might just be the one who––in the future––might introduce you to your future husband/wife or to your dream job.
EVERYTHING’S GONNA BE OKAY
Or so I’d like to tell myself. As you now know, I have a problem with thinking about the extremes. It’s either I get to live happily ever after helping people and doing my dream job or, I’ll burn in hell for eternity for not recycling my plastic water bottles.
I’ve been having these thoughts more and more lately––not the plastic bottles of course. But thinking about the work field and how competitive it is, and how I’m basically just this 21 year old child who has just stepped into the world having my first taste of how brutal it is, yet at the same time having to pretend as if this is what I’ve been preparing my whole life for.
I’m not going to lie to you and say that I’ve got my shit figured out, because I don’t. I’m hella fucking scared, and I’m acting like I’m not because what else can I do? You know?
But then again, I think about all the people who have graduated before me, who have also walked through the path that I’m about to embark on, I feel less afraid. Surely they too, were scared. But they forged on. And sometimes, that’s just how life is. Sure it’s scary at time, sometimes all you want to do is to run and hide in a hole forever, but there is something about the not knowing that makes the adventure exciting.
You could be bankrupt today and be a millionaire tomorrow. You never know. That’s why I believe that as long as I try, and keep giving it my best and continue to press on, everything will turn out to be okay in the end.
“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end. ”
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