Up Close and Personal: Learning to Love Myself & Finding the Mayonnaise
So. Your girl has been going through some piles of poop the past few weeks, and now, I’m finally ready to talk about it. This is one of the life lessons that I’m learning in 2020 apparently: I’m learning to love myself as well as trying to find the mayonnaise.
Up In Ashes
I was lost, well, I suppose if you really want to argue about it, I still am.
I was in a 1-year and 6 months long relationship, until May of this year. And then I broke it off. Because at the time, I was infatuated. I caught feelings for someone else. At that moment, the only thing that was going through my head was truthfully just the fact that I did not want to cheat. That’s the one thing that kept going round and round in my head like a siren.
A 1-year and 6 months long relationship, ended in a span of a few minutes. What’s worse, I did it all by text. I didn’t even gave him the chance to rebut or fend for himself, or our relationship for that matter of fact. It was ended through text, and I didn’t even explain much other than the fact that I had feelings for someone else.
Giant asshole. That’s what I was. I admit it, and I’ve learned from it.
From there, I jumped from one relationship to the other, with the speed of lighting––barely allowing myself to process what had just happened. Not about the fact that I had just ended an almost two year relationship like it meant nothing to me. Not about the fact that I was hurting someone who I claimed to love so deeply but not even giving them the chance to talk it out. To be honest, now looking back, I was even thinking. Period.
By impulse. That was how I was acting. There was no thinking going up in this brain of mine, I was quite literally just acting by instinct. So from one relationship––barely even processing the repercussions––I jumped to the next. Just like that.
Round and Round We Go
So I went into this relationship with this new guy. For a while there, we were happy, everything was right in the world. We would stay up late talking all night, early morning calls, texting each other all the time. Head over heels in love, that’s what we
were still are.
And then real life hits.
He got busy. With work, with life, with friends. And I felt abandoned. All alone.
From those weeks of talking non-stop to each other for days on end, to suddenly only be able to text a handful of times a day. I was hurt. I felt unloved, unwanted.
Nights would be spent crying, waking up anxious to see texts from him. But nothing. Radio silence. And the distance didn’t help. The fact that we were thousands of miles away didn’t help matters. It started to feel like I was begging for scraps. For his time––that was stretched thin––and for his attention.
Then, every time we talked, it would started to turn from it being fun and easygoing to us always talking about serious subjects. On how I needed more, how he was trying but I thought it wasn’t enough. How he thought he was being a good boyfriend but I felt lonelier than I’ve felt in a long time.
We talked and talked and talked. Throwing all of our resources at the relationship, hoping to salvage it however we could. We cried, bargained, begged.
In the end, we decided it would be in our best interest to go out separate ways for now. So 1 month into the relationship, we broke up.
Anxieties and Sleepless Nights
For the first few nights, I was unable to sleep. A total wreck, that was what I was. We were both still so in love, so head over heels for one another. Then why…?
I just couldn’t understand why we had to break up over something so unfair. Over distance. Over me feeling as if I didn’t get enough and him feeling like he’s been giving his all. That was all I could think about for the first few days as I cried and sobbed.
It came in waves, the sadness. One second I felt fine, and the other I felt like as if someone just ripped my heart out of my chest. It’s normal, it happens. Break ups suck, but again, it’s just part of life. That’s the risk we have to take at the chance of love. And that’s okay.
At the time however, it just sucks. It sucked donkey balls. I was trying to staunch the tears that just seemed to free flow as if it was a broken tap faucet. Who even knew we humans had so much tears in us?
But I let it out. I didn’t try to hold it in because as shitty as it felt at the time, I understood that it was important that I let these emotions pour through me and face it as it comes.
So what if I sobbed until I ran out of breath? So what if I was in so much pain that I had to hold myself together in the fear of breaking so badly apart that I wouldn’t know how to put myself back together?
scared, scratch that. I was terrified at the thought of being alone. I was absolutely out of my depths here. But these were the emotions that I felt and instead of trying to run away from it, I let it wash through me. It hurt, and it will continue to hurt until god knows how long, but at least I’m facing the pain.
Lost the Mayonnaise
Now, a few days after that incident, I finally felt like I could stand back up on my feet again. It’s finally starting to feel like I could stand without wobbling. It feels like I could finally take a deep breath after so long struggling to breathe underwater.
It’s not to say that I’m out of the deep water just yet, but I’m making progress. With that, I’m also starting to recognize the problems I had within me. Instead of trying to distract myself, now I started to look inward, looking for the things that was broken inside of me. Things that needed fixing.
Throughout all these years of being in relationships, I think I might have lost myself. While the 1-year and 6 months relationship helped opened my eyes to some things, it had also stopped my growth in some ways. I had gotten complacent, I stopped challenging myself and my mental growth. I had lost myself and I didn’t know it.
While there were a lot of good that I gleaned from my previous almost-two-year relationship, there were also a lot of bad. I stopped being my own person, instead, I started to be really reliant on my partners. My happiness––as much as I didn’t want to admit it, because boss bitch energy and whatnot––was starting to be really tied to my partners’ ability to spend time with me. While understandably it wasn’t exactly a really crazy thing to ask for, being anxious to the point of panicking after not hearing back from them in a few hours wasn’t exactly good for the soul either.
So now, I’m on a journey to re-find that old happy-go-lucky girl back. The girl who’s content with herself, the girl who enjoyed doing things by herself, the girl who’s just happy.
Open and Honest
This is something that I’ve always struggled with. Something that I am still struggling with, but is working hard to push through it.
Until my recent relationship, I didn’t know the importance of being upfront and communicative about things. I have always lived my life quietly, trusting and relying on no one but myself. I always had the thought of: it’s me against the world. Which, when I look back to it now, is really unhealthy.
It took days of sobbing and crying and reaching to strangers on the internet to staunch my loneliness to understand that it is okay to share some of that burden with other people. It’s okay to lower your guards and trust. Because no matter that I like to tell myself that people don’t care, surprisingly, they do. Sure, the chances of me getting hurt gets higher, but it’s all part of life. If I’m never hurt, then I’ll never grow and learn.
I’ve also learned that it’s important to be in touch with myself. It truly is. If something is wrong, it’s important that I be really, truly, absolutely honest with myself so I can work it out right away. Brushing things under the rug doesn’t work, I have finally understood. Because at the end of the day, those things are what’s going to crawl out and bite you in the ass.
Until I Find the Mayo
Despite me hating his initial decision of us breaking up, now looking back, I understood that it was necessary. He was––and still is––suffering over this choice as well. But the man has the balls big enough for both of us to do what needed to be done if we want to have any hope of rekindling what we had––or still have.
He was selfless enough to put my needs before his, and let me go so I can go explore and truly find the mayonnaise that I have been missing all this time. There is still so many things that I needed to work on, and having the relationship weigh me down wasn’t the way to do it. And he knew that, I also did––even if I was too stubborn at the time to admit it.
That man, I will always love and cherish with all my heart. He taught me more in a month than anyone ever did, if I were to brutally honest. He was the first who was truly curious enough to want to know and explore all of me. The good and the bad. And still love me through it all.
We promised to be friends, just as we promised to always be there for each other no matter what. And one day, just maybe, after I have made peace with myself and found my mayo, I will find my way back to him and we can successfully give this relationship another go.
Until then, I will work on me. I will take it day by day and whatever comes, comes.
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