Up Close and Personal: When It Comes the Time to Let Go
Another one of these Up Close and Personal posts. This time around, I want to talk about letting go. Really, this post is not going to be all that serious. I truthfully just wanted to reflect on my life thus far, and with this post talking of time to let go, it just felt fitting.
Usually when I write a post––even a personal post where I give you a peek into my life like this one––I like having a topic and talking about things surrounding that. The theme of each Up Close and Personal post would generally stem from my personal life and I would either moan about it or reflect on it. This time around though, your girl wanted to experiment and try something different.
This post is not going to be as structured as most of my other ones. I just wanted to let myself freefall and see where I end up. If I find some sort of epiphany at the end of it, great. If not, doesn’t matter either. I suppose what I wanted to say is, I am just going to gurgle up whatever it is that is on my mind and post that. Just like how sometimes Youtuber record video without editing and post it online. We’ll see how that goes.
What Am I Thinking?
To be quite honest, I am thinking back to how this segment of the blog started. It was a myriad of things that gave birth to Up Close and Personal––from me needing a place where I could vent without being judged, to me wanting to open up and let more people in and my love for writing. Looking back, I could see how much I have grown and how far I have gone since a few years ago when I started being more open on this blog.
Many people––be it friends, strangers, or acquaintances––would always comment about how happy I always seem. Some people even go as far as mentioning that they don’t think I ever had days where I feel sad, or if I even know what sadness is. Interesting isn’t it, how much appearance can deceive. I suppose that is also part of the reason why I started being more honest on here. Because, when I first started blogging, I thought of it as an Instagram post where everything should just be about my highlight reel. I should always just be happy and show my happiest place to the world.
But then I realize if I am only showing my happy face to everyone else when I am sad there is no one who I can turn to but myself. I mean, your girl might be strong, she might be stubborn, but she needs love just like everyone else. After a while, I also found that I have no place and no one with who I can really be vulnerable––I still don’t. I used to be so jealous of other people who have a group of friends who they can talk to and go to about anything. But these days, I have accepted it and realized that there are many people out there who feel the same way as I do.
There was no home for me, so I decided to make one. This blog felt a lot like home, it felt like an extension of myself outside of my body. It felt pure, protected, and safe. Such an odd feeling isn’t it? Because this blog is online for the whole world to see, yet at the same time, it felt like the one place where I am most accepted.
Out of the hundreds of thousands of things that I have tried, experimented, succeeded, and failed throughout the years, LiteraturesandMovies are one of the things that I am most proud of. I suppose like many others out there, I have always looked at YouTubers with envy when I see how loved and supported they are by their own community. All this time without realizing that I too, have my own growing community that loves and accepts me come hell or high water.
This is also why I decided to run a blog instead of a youtube channel. I mean, I still might give youtube a try, but with this blog, it feels mine. Does that make sense? It is mine to do with I please, and I do not have to censor myself if I didn’t want to. And
I talked to a guy recently. It didn’t work out, me and him. I think… I think maybe we are not on the same page. Or just not on the same stage in life. Which is fine, that is okay. I was upset––understandably so.
But I cannot hold onto his words. His words mean nothing and if I cannot hold a man to his words, what good is he for? I gave him an ultimatum, but he didn’t trust that I would go through with it. It is funny sometimes, to see how people doubt me. I don’t mind, I never really did. Because I know what I am capable of and because I stay true to my word. Unlike him.
So I cut him out of my life. I am proud of it––even though it sucked I am still very proud of myself. You know, there aren’t many moments in life where I feel proud of myself for being an adult, but this is one of the few rare moments where I can actually say that I am happy for myself. I am happy that I stood up for myself, happy that I know where my boundaries lie and stick to it, and most important of all, I am very fucking happy that I have the courage to walk away when it is time.
The time has come to let go, and I did.
It sucked, but I did it and
Good job me, I did it.
I am tired. Writing a blog is tiringthatIamgoingtostartwritinglikethiswithnospace.
Okay, that is it for today because if I continue I won’t be making any more sense.
Despite everything, I am happy. And that is all that matters.