Up Close and Personal: Feeling Lost and Lonely
For the past few months, I have been feeling lost. A tad bit lonely, too. Perhaps…I am simply going through a phase in life that everyone goes through. Perhaps.
You know, I am sure as is the case with most people when the pandemic hit 2 years ago, everyone started re-evaluating their lives. Wondering, questioning, doubting. What is the point of all the things that we are doing? Are we really happy? What is our purpose in life? Are we lonely? Is this really all there is to life? This grind–for the rest of our lives?
It was something I pondered. Thanks to the lockdown, I had a lot of time to think about my life. What I wanted–spoiler alert, it’s been months and I still am no wiser than when the pandemic started–was it, a career? A family? A place to call home? A community? Life as a penguin lady? I have no clue. I had no clue then, and I still have no clue now.
In some ways, I missed who I was pre-pandemic. I was so busy, so driven. It had felt like the world was my oyster and I could go wherever I want. As long as I put my mind, time, and effort into it, I will be able to get there. But after the pandemic started, I realized that my way of living didn’t make me happy. I realized that I was running from my issues, I buried my head so deep down in work and other activities that every night I come home completely exhausted. So that I wouldn’t feel and take the time to process my emotions. My logic was, that if I could bury the loneliness deep enough and distract myself enough, it would eventually just disappear on its own.
Obviously, as we now know with my sporadic posting on the blog, it definitely did not work. I have done my best to face my emotions and fix my issues the best that I can. And things have definitely gotten much much better than I was 2 years ago, but at the same time, the feeling of being lost was there. It was always there. When I read or when I spend time with friends or loved ones, it dulls the feeling down a little, and I even have gotten to the point where most days are good. I no longer have random panic attacks, no longer anxious all the time feeling like I am behind in life. Sometimes I feel like I am doing myself dirty, I am robbing myself of all this youth with worry that I am not going to be successful unless I grind like there is no tomorrow. I am only 23 for god’s sake. I don’t think 23-year-olds should be this worried about their futures? I don’t know.
I am sure millions and billions of people dealt with this feeling growing up. I take solace and comfort in the fact that many people have been where I am currently and they made it through. But damn if this doesn’t suck. Is this really what adulthood is like? Dull days of the same, with little excitements peppered in between, and then we die?
If you ask me how I feel on the daily, I cannot tell you. I am not unhappy, but at the same time, I am not happy either. I feel, but a lot of it is numbed down. Most of the time I am at peace, but then sometimes I’d feel this crushing sadness that seemingly comes out of nowhere. When I spend time with friends I feel joy, but it is very surface-level joy. The only time where I feel truly at home and at peace is when I spend time with my significant other. Is this how life is to be lived?
“Wherever you go, there you are. Whatever you wind up doing, that’s what you’ve wound up doing. Whatever you are thinking right now, that’s what’s on your mind, Whatever has happened to you, it has already happened. The important question is, how are you going to handle it?”